The Chronicles of Foster Foskin’s Adventures in Thailand 20

I dunno what time we all chucked it in at the party and headed fer bed. We was all pretty pissed. A few of the blokes had disappeared durin’ the night, led out by a dusky maiden or two. By the time Bluey and me decided to turn in it was well into the early hours of the mornin’. The band was still wailin’ away, and the dancin’ girls didn’t look like they had even worked up a sweat yet. We waved ‘em goodbye and headed orf ter Nok’s house. Still no sign of her though.

Early mornin’ came. I woke up but kept me eyes closed. No sense in damagin’ the old brain that early. I reached me hand out across the bed. Empty. No Nok.

I sat up and peered about the room. Mornin’ was breakin’ so there was a bit of light seepin’ in through the chinks in the wooden walls. It was obvious that Nok’s side of the bed hadn’t been occupied at all. Ah well, I thought to meself, maybe she stayed over at a relative’s place. Everyone in the village seems ter just wander in and out of each other’s homes. Maybe it doesn’t matter where yer end up sleepin’, I consoled meself. Or maybe she was observing the traditions and stayin’ out of me sight until the nuptials were ready ter be performed. I shrugged and got ready fer me weddin’ day.

Breakfast was ready by the time I staggered downstairs, so I slurped me coffee, swigged back a couple of Aspirin, and headed fer the ablutions.

Thirty minutes later, I emerged feelin’ much better. A good sluice of cold water can work wonders on even the worst hangover. As I wandered into the main living area with me towel wrapped around me one of the aunts handed me a bundle of clothes and pointed upstairs. I took the hint.

Crikey! This was a strange getup. I put on a blue farmer’s shirt with ties in front instead of buttons. The trousers were the same blue material, but they didn’t have no waistline. Just then, one of the aunt’s came inter the room and laughed when she saw me confusion. I was standin’ there holdin’ the daks up tryin’ ter figure out how to tie them. She stepped forward, grabbed hold of the daks, looked down and gave a cackle at what she saw down there. Then with a twist and a tuck they were secured snugly around me hips.

Next, she picked out a long tartan cloth, folded it, and tied it round me waist, cinchin’ it with a large knot in front. Then she picked up a garland of flowers she’d brought in with ‘er and draped them around me neck. She led me to a mirror and I ‘ad ter admit I looked like a real Esarn farmer. Well, except fer me Akubra hat and blue eyes, anyway.

Takin’ me hand, we went downstairs tergether where the whole family was waitin’. I asked one of Nok’s brothers who spoke a bit of English where Nok was, but ‘e shook ‘is head. No one seemed ter know. Maybe she was waitin’ up at the temple, since that was where we was soon headed.

Stickman was already standin’ by, dressed in another Esarn farmer’s outfit like mine. We looked a right pair of twits, but the shielas was crowdin’ around admirin’ our gear. I swear, if I hadn’t already been gettin’ married we could of chosen almost any of ‘em instead. Yer gotta love Thailand. It’s just like livin’ in the female equivalent of the local lolly shop, eh?

The first step in the wedding festivities is to give the monks food and then get their blessin’: What the Thais call Tumboon. The aunt’s were all carryin’ their offerin’s fer the monks. We led off the procession.

A few young blokes joined in with drums and one of ‘em was playin’ a strange lookin’ guitar. It sounded like the strings were made of barbed wire. He had a couple of blokes wheelin’ a small barrow loaded with an amplifier plugged into a car battery. Despite the awful sound, he managed ter coax a decent song out of it and pretty soon we were all dancin’ up the road.

Bluey staggered out of ‘is house with Dana in tow ter join the crowd that was quickly gatherin’. Sean, Pothole, and Kelly lurched onto the street, towin’ their shielas with them. If shit-eatin’ grins was gold they’d of been millionaires a few times over, I reckon.

Everyone joined in the dancin’ procession, wavin’ their hands around, and twistin’ them backwards as they do in them Thai dances. The old aunties, young kids, uncles, and even the village dogs joined in. We was havin’ a great time.

Just then, Sean screamed and ducked into a bush. He peered out with a look of fear in ‘is eyes. I turned ter see what was botherin’ him. BKKSW came roarin’ up on a tricycle motor taxi with Lookpapa and Korski slumped in the seat. Squeezed in with them was a couple of boozy lookin’ shielas who seemed ter have trouble keepin’ their hands to themselves. But when they saw the procession, they gave a squeal and leaped off. Last I saw of them they was scatterin’ chickens and beatin’ orf barkin’ dogs as they headed back ter wherever they came from.

Sean looked a bit sheepish when ‘e saw his fears of gettin’ run over again were unfounded. He stood up, wiped orf ‘is clothes and stepped back into the procession. Fer a bloke with a gimpy leg, he was doin’ a pretty good imitation of a Thai dancer.

The owner of the tri-motorsai came huffing up ter reclaim his bike as the three blokes jumped off and joined the fun. But when he saw how much fun we was all havin’ he parked ‘is machine and joined in as well.

Korski was havin’ a hard time standin’ up. It would of helped if he had boots on both feet. Wearin’ one high heel cowboy boot is not conducive ter steady walkin’. But it didn’t seem ter matter. He was doin’ alright anyway. The village shielas was havin’ a grand time as he stumbled around, arms windmillin’. He’d stumble up against one and she would grab ‘im fer a minute, hands rovin’ over his body, and then shove ‘im orf ter one of ‘er friends. I reckon this was the most fun Korski has ever had by the smile lightin’ up ‘is face.

Lookpapa was doin’ fine too. One of the younger aunts, about 40 years old I reckon, had latched onto ‘im and they were doin’ the Ramwong dance closer than Chang and Eng, the first Siamese twins. Dana kept tryin’ ter break in, but there wasn’t no room ter slip in anythin’, not withstandin’ what Dana was wavin’ around in wild hope.

Every now and then Lookpapa would scream out somethin’. I’m not sure if ‘e was protestin’ at the music, or if ‘is shiela was grabbin’ somethin’ he prized. I’ve never seen dancin’ like that before, that’s fer sure!

Dane was lookin’ every inch the Blond Viking. He walked behind the rest of us because ‘is hands was full with a little shiela determined ter weld herself to his lanky frame. I couldn’t help thinkin’ it was a shame Fanta, me tall lanky Australian mate, couldn’t be ‘ere. Him and Dane would have made an awesome lookin’ pair.

By now, we’d reached the crossroads. We was just turnin’ right ter head fer the temple gates when Nok appeared. She wasn’t dressed fer the weddin’ yet, which I found a bit surprisin’.

What was she doin’? Then we all saw the knife glinting at her throat held by that bloody ugly shiela we’d met on the day we arrived.

“No come nearer!” she shouted. The whole crowd stopped dead, mouths aghast. The ugly shiela shouted out, “I kill Nok. You no can mally with Nok, Foster. I lub she. Nok she mine now!”

“Eh? What do yer mean?” I said, bewildered.

“I lub Nok many years. She come back home stay with me. No stay with Foster. I talk too mut wit she, try show she I much better for love. But she no listen. Say she lub me, but lub you too much too. She want mally you. I no want. You bad mans, say take my skin off.”

“But that was only a joke.” I said. “I’m sorry fer that. I sure didn’t mean it. Why don’t you let Nok go and we can clear up this little misunderstanding? Please, take the knife away from her throat. You don’t want to hurt the girl we love, do you?”

Poor Nok was watching me with fear in her eyes, pleading for help. I edged nearer, hoping to disarm her and set Nok free.

“You no come nearer.” The ugly shiela screamed. “I kill Nok for sure.”

I stopped still and asked, “Listen, what’s yer name?”

Nok called out in a quavering voice, “Her name is Nok, the same as mine.”

“Well, I promise not ter tell any Nok, Nok jokes, if yer put the knife down. And if yer don’t want me ter marry Nok,” I said lookin’ at the ugly Nok, “we’ll call orf the weddin’, won’t we Nok?”

“Yes, yes. We won’t get married. I’ll stay with you instead Nok, my tilac. Please, if you love me, let me go!”

Ugly Nok looked unconvinced, so I thought I’d add in a bit of incentive.

“Listen darlin’, I bet yer not a bad shiela inside there. Maybe all yer need is some real love ter bring out yer inner beauty. The ol’ Foster is always ready ter spread a bit more love around. Why don’t yer put down the knife first, eh? Then we can sit down tergether ter work out somethin’. How about it? Will you put down the knife….please?” I said holding out my hand.

By now, the crowd behind me was all urging her to give me the knife too. She looked around. Yer could see the gears goin’ round in her mind. We all waited with bated breath. I think a couple of the Stickman blokes was actually clutchin’ some bated breasts too.

Then, slowly she lowered the knife and a great sigh went up from the crowd. She saw that she was doin’ the right thing. She sheepishly handed me the knife. Everyone cheered, and a couple of heavy-lookin’ Thai blokes moved forward, obviously ready ter arrest her. But I held ‘em back. Nok told ‘em there was no need to grab ugly Nok. We’d work things out together. Then I stepped forward to tuck both girls under me arms.

“Nok,” I said, “tell everyone the wedding is off and that the three of us are goin’ ter discuss our relationship. Tell ‘em we’ll have a big party tonight. We might as well. We’ve got everythin’ in place.”

So, Nok told them the news and everyone started walkin’ away, lookin’ much happier. Nok sent someone orf ter the temple ter tell the monks the weddin’ was orf. Most of the aunts and Nok’s family went as well ter give their offerin’s ter the monks anyway.

Relieved, Nok, Nok, and me turned back ter Nok’s house where we would be able to find some peace and quiet while the family was still at the temple. When we arrived, I pulled three tinnies out of the fridge and opened them. We toasted each other and then we started talkin’.

“So, Nok, you love my Nok too, eh?”

“Yes, I velly, velly lub she since we in high school. She my bestest fliend. We no hab trouble before you come.” She said, givin’ me a dirty look.

I could see this was going to be a tough one, so I opened some more tinnies and plied her with another one. Encouraging her ter drink up, I asked, “Well, I’m sure Nok and me don’t want ter hurt youse. How about we all try bein’ friends instead?”

Ugly Nok looked at me strangely. “You mean you want be friend me?”

“Nok tells me you are a very nice girl, and I can understand you getting upset when you saw her getting ready to marry me. Since we both love Nok, why don’t we try being good friends too and then we can all be together?”

My Nok looked at me in surprise. She said something in Esarn to ugly Nok, and then grabbed my hand, dragging me upstairs.

“What are you doing, Foster?” she asked when we were in the bedroom.

“Well, it’s like this love. I love you. Ugly Nok loves you. And I think you love us both. Am I right?”

She sat thinking for a few moments. Then she looked up with a big smile on her face. “Are you saying that you will take my friend Nok as a wife too?”

I hadn’t really thought of it exactly like that. But when I thought about it, the idea didn’t look too bad. So I said, “Yeah, I guess that’s about right. But ugly Nok will ‘ave ter promise ter wear a paper bag over her head when we are in bed together, ok?” I said grinnin’.

“Oh Foster! You are so funny, and I love you very much. Yes, yes, yes! I love you and Nok too, and living together would be wonderful. Let’s go and talk to her and see if she will accept.

So we went back downstairs. Nok was sittin’ amidst the corpses of six more tinnies by the time we got there, so she was in a very good mood to listen to our proposal. I was already beginnin’ ter like this girl. With her capacity fer drinkin’ me favorite brew I could see we’d get along famously.

As she listened to our proposal, a beatific look came over her face and she looked at me with a new light in her eyes. Then she leaned across and planted a huge kiss on me. And yer know what? It felt pretty good.

---------------------------------------------

So end the first Chronicles of Foster Foskin’s Adventures in Thailand. Did you enjoy this series? Keep watching for more Foster adventures.

Next up, the Foster Foskin Agony Column….Foster brings his own unique humorous perspective and answers to the problems blokes and shielas face in Thailand.


© Copyright 2007 by the author.

Struggling with the Australian slang? We call it Strine. Go here to find out what it all means:
http://www.koalanet.com.au/australian-slang.html
or
http://www.aussieslang.com/slang/australian-slang-a.asp