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Cripes mates! I’ve gotta learn ‘ow to say NO!

Ya wouldn’t think it would be too ‘ard, would ya? But when I came downstairs after a strenuous session with Oi and found me mates gone, I didn’t know what the heck ta do. Where was I? Where were me mates? Jeez, I couldn’t even remember what ‘otel we were stayin’ in.

I’ve always found that when you’re in a position like that it’s a good idea to stop and ‘ave a couple more beers and then consider yer options. So I plonked meself back down on a sofa and ordered. I dunno what I was drinkin’ before, but it didn’t pack much wallop. But this beer was more like it. I looked at the label, after takin’ the bottle out of the condom of course. Beer Chang, eh, with a picture of an elephant on it. Oh well, I thought to meself, I’ve gone from ants piss to elephants piss. Can’t be bad, can it? Well I slipped the first one down fairly fast. All that sexercise builds up a pretty decent thirst. Then I ordered another one and settled in to do some serious considerin’.

While I was sittin’ there thinkin’ me little shiela Oi comes back and sits beside me. She doesn’t say much, just starts to play with me again. Blimey! I dunno about youse blokes, but I’m not much use after a good bout. I prefer to kick back and ruminate for a while, so I told the beauteous Oi that it was alright if she went outside ta play with her friends for a while. Off she toddled, and I was left in peace to listen to the music and suck on me new best mate Chang.

So there I was, mindin’ me own business wonderin’ what to do when this vision walks into the bar. I’m the only geezer sittin’ there so when she spots me she sashays over like the bloody Queen o’ Sheba and plonks ‘erself down next ta me. I ‘ad me beer goggles on by now, but even so it was pretty darn clear that this shiela was a cut above the rest of ‘em. Fer a start, she ‘ad smooth white skin. From what I’d seen, all them other shielas seemed to be more than a bit nut brown.

She looks at me and says, “H---Hello. My name is P-p-ow. What’s y---yours.” Now, just in case you’re wondering, the longer dashes there indicate a bit of a long pause inbetween syllables. She had a very cute way of talking. I wouldn’t never call it a speech impediment, because she did it so well it was like a sexual invitation just to listen to ‘er.

Yeah, that’s what it was, because before yer can say Bob’s yer uncle, I’d chatted ‘er up and we was harin’ up the stairs. I couldn’t wait ter see what she would do. I ‘adn’t seen a bird as sexy as this before in me life.

Let’s just say I wasn’t disappointed. When we got to the room and we’re getting’ ready for a bout of athletics she says to me, “I like o-older men l-like you. I-I like to l-look after y-you and make you happy.”

Well, she was as good as her word, and an hour later she ‘ad ter practically carry me down the stairs. Imagine my relief to see me cobbers sittin’ there lookin’ a tad fidgety. “G’day mates!” I called out. “Where ‘ave you two reprobates been then?”

“Where ‘ave we been?” they chorused. “Where the bloody ‘ell ‘ave you been? We’ve been sittin’ ‘ere for the best part of an hour waitin’ for you.” Then they both stopped and stared at me new little darlin’.

“That’s not the same one you took upstairs is it?”

“Well, no actually. The first one was Oi. This ‘ere’s Pow. I met ‘er after me first bout and youse ‘ad disappeared. So, did yers ‘ave a good time?”

“Yeah!” they chorused again. They were startin’ to sound like the bloody Sydney Cathedral choir. “We went across the road for some fish and chips.” I’m sittin’ there thinkin’ to meself, ‘They come all the way to Thailand and they’re eatin’ the same old rubbish we ‘ave on a Saturday night out at Manly? Somethin’ wrong there.’

But we downed a few more beers and I didn’t give it any more thought. I bought a couple of drinks for Pow too. I wasn’t gonna let her go just yet. She was all lovey-dovey and it felt real good. But all good things must come to an end, as me first wife often told me. I never twigged for the longest time that she was talking about getting’ a bloody divorce. Now that I’d tasted some of this ‘ere Thai crack, I dunno why I waited so long!

Ah well. At least I found it in time. I would’a been really pissed orf if I got to ‘eaven and found out I’d missed it.

Anyway, ta cut a long story short, we downed yet another coldie and then Roland suggested we go check out Walkin’ Street.

“Ah, what’s this bloody walkin’ street? I’ve been on them bloody movin’ escalators at airports before mate. What the ‘ell is so exciting about the one ‘ere in Pattaya?”

“Nah, yer’ve got it all wrong, Fos.” he said. “Walkin’ Street is a mall full of molls. They got more nooky there per yard than yer can poke a stick at, especially considerin’ the beatin’ yer’ve been givin’ your stick.”

Bloody snyde little bastard, isn’t ‘e? Just coz I couldn’t say No and grabbed more than ‘e did. But I was game. So we paid our bill, I said a fond farewell to the wonderful Pow, and orf we staggered out the door followed by a chorus of girls yelling out to “Cum again”, or “See you soon, handsome man!”

Jeez, you’ve gotta love a country where all the girls are a bit myopic, ‘aven’t ya? Now, if only I could find one who was also dumb, ‘ad lost ‘er teeth, and owned a bar, I’d be in ‘eaven without dieing.

“’Ow do we get to this Walkin’ Street, Rollie?” I asked.

He led us down to Beach Road and pulled over a clapped out ute with seats in the back. It was a bit of a tight fit, coz there were a couple of old women with chooks and baskets of veggies, an old fat German with the ugliest lookin’ hag I’d seen so far in Thailand. ‘E was lappin’ it up though, so who was I to complain? Sqeezed next to ‘im were three tiny creatures with lots of gold draped all over ‘em. They gave us the eye after we wedged ourselves in and it wasn’t long before Rolly and Bluey were answering the call of nature. “Hello handsome man. Where you go? You want go boom boom?”

Now, after me bout with Oi I finally twigged what ‘boom boom’ meant. It must of been coined by them bloody Germans. Who else would think of calling a good fuck a bloody ‘boom boom’?

I let Rolly and Bluey do all the chattin’ up. I was still a bit dazed from me previous adventures in Red Point. Ol’ Bluey was a quiet one, but ‘e ad a good ‘ead on ‘im and often rose to the occasion whenever I found meself in a predicament. As you would guess with a name like Bluey, ‘e ad a great mop of red ‘air, and ‘e was built like a brick shithouse. ‘E was a good mate ta travel around with. I knew I could always rely on ‘im to back me up, no matter what.

Anyway, we’d gone about 200 yards when Roland presses the bell and we piled off with the three shielas in tow. Bluey paid the ute driver 100 Baht. ‘E didn’t get no change, but by then I could see from the state of ‘is stubby shorts ‘e was in no mood to argue over a few paltry Baht.

“Is this Walkin’ Street, then?” I asked.

“Nah, this is our ‘otel mate.” I took a squiz at the name just to be sure I wouldn’t forget it in future. “We’re taking these sheilas up to your suite for a bit of an orgy.” Bluey told me. Now that sounded like what the doctor ordered, so we trooped up to the top floor and piled into me room. The second bang the housemaid heard from down the hall was the door slamming. We were at these shielas faster than a rat up a drainpipe. And they were all for it. Before long there was arms and legs all over the place. I think Bluey took a break somewhere in the middle of it to shoot some video, but Rolly and me kept rompin’ away like gallopin’ gourmets.

A couple of hours later and we’re all lyin’ around feelin’ a bit the worse fer wear. Bluey gets up and heads for the fridge. “Throw me a coldie too, will ya mate.”

There’s a bloody great shout from Bluey, “Strewth mates, we’re out of beer. These dinkie fridges don’t ‘old enough to wet yer bloody tongue.”

We thought about it fer a minute and then Roland says, “Well, what about our rooms cobber? I’ve got some in my fridge, and Bluey you must have some too, eh?”

So that little crisis was averted. Bluey went and got the beers and we sat down to consider our next move. “We ‘aven’t got to this bloody Walkin’ Street yet mates.” I pointed out “When are we gonna get there?”

The girls were listin’ to this and one of them pipes up and says, “We going Waling Street when you meet us. Why you no go with us? We take you velly good bar, plenty girls.”

Who could resist an invitation like that, so we settled up with the girls first. By now we were getting’ into the swing of things. It’s always better to pay off the girls right after yer’ve ‘ad yer fun, just in case yer see somethin’ else ya like later on. It don’t do to be seen ‘andin’ money over to one girl where another one can see. It gives ‘em ideas an’ creates unnecessary expectations. Hey! I might be new to this game in Thailand, but even I could figure that out.

Business done, we head down to street level again and pile into another cramped ute. I know these bloody Thais are short, but even they can’t stand up in these bloody things. Why don’t they put in higher roofs? Or better still, why don’t they ‘ave proper buses like we do back home? Still and all, the price is right, so no use in complainin’, is there?

Finally, we get orf outside a jewelers shop and me girl starts jabbering to ‘er friends in Thai. From the way their eyes were lit up I had a pretty good idea of what they were talkin’ about, especially as they all ‘ad their ‘eads glued to the front window. I pulled me mates into a huddle. “Listen me old cobbers, let’s ditch these sheilas right now. I don’t like the way they are lookin’ at all that jewelry. I didn’t come ‘ere to give all me money away to some shiela I don’t ‘ardly know. I’d rather keep it for the more important things in life. Let’s go check out the other delights without ‘em. What do ya say?”

Well, me mates agreed so when the shielas started makin’ pointed hints about goin’ into the shop I steps up to the line and says, “No. Youse shielas can go on in there if ya like. Me and me mates are gonna explore Walkin’ Street. It’s been nice meetin’ ya, but goodbye now.” That’s when I learned to say No.

With that, the three of us turned around and headed for Walkin’ Street.

These shielas weren’t ‘aving none of that, though. They start walking behind us shoutin’ out “Cheap Charlie”, and “Butterfly”. I could see me mates were feelin’ a bit uncomfortable with all the stares followin’ us, so we did a swift turn into one of the nearest go-go bars. That stopped the shielas dead. The doorman turned ‘em away. I guess if yer a shiela and ya don’t work in a bar you don’t get to go in unaccompanied. Or maybe the doorman twigged what was goin’ on and decided ter give us a hand.

I don’t recall the name of this bar, but it wasn’t very exciting. There were a couple of shielas hangin’ onto the poles, lookin’ like they needed 12 hours sleep. The place was empty, only us three boys in there. Not only that, the beers were warm. When we complained the barmaid dropped some ice into our glasses! The bloody sacrilege! If she’d of done that back ‘ome she’d of been hung, drawn and quartered. We slugged our beers quickly before the ice melted. No sense in wasting a good beer. Then we left quickly. From now on we’ll check out how cold the beer is before they open it. On the way out I dropped a red note into the doorman’s hand. It wasn’t ‘is fault the beer was warm, was it?

Anyway, we went down the street a bit more and passed plenty of bars with more myopic girls outside callin’ ‘Hey handsome man.” The Thai government really ought to do somethin’ about the eye problems these girls are all sufferin’ from.

We weren’t lookin’ for anythin’ in particular. We just wanted to find a bar where we could ‘ave some fun. We stopped outside one called The Dollhouse. Roland looked at ‘is watch and said he had to run to meet some joker called Earnshawe. They were going to talk some business so Rolly wouldn’t be joinin’ us for the night. He thanked us for sharin’ the cab with ‘im and we arranged to meet for breakfast the next morning.

The Dollhouse didn’t look too impressive outside, but Roland reckoned it was one of the best bars around. The sign above the door promised a Dirty Dancing Contest tonight, so I asked Bluey if he wanted to go in.

As Rolly receded into the distance, me and Bluey pushed through the doors of The Dollhouse into an adventure the likes of which I’d never ‘ad before.

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Next, Foster is asked to judge the dirty dancing contest….

© Written in 2006. All rights reserved by the author.