The Chronicles of Foster Foskin's Adventures in Thailand 5

Crikey mate, I dunno what’s wrong with these Thai shielas, but they do seem to wear out quick. We’d only been at it for a coupla’ hours when both of ‘em says they ‘ave ter go. Well, by then they were walkin’ a bit bandy legged, so I thought best to let ‘em go before I broke ‘em in two.

But we ‘ad a bit of a discussion about the price. They told me before we left the bar that they would stay all night. I didn’t reckon two hours was all night, not by even the slowest sheep farmer’s calculations. The discussion was heating up a bit. I wasn’t going ter pay them the full amount, so they both jumped on top of me again. Bloody amazing. Suddenly they were full of beans again. We finished off another athletic round and then I paid them off the full amount. As me old dad used ta say, “A fool and ‘is money are soon partying.”

As I was seeing them out the door they both turned to me and asked for taxi fare too. That was a bit much, so I told them, “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time, and you ‘ave the time ladies. Good night.”

With that, I shut the door and settled in for a good night’s rest. I was goin’ ter need it. Bluey and me were off the to beach in the mornin’. Zzzzzzzzz

The next mornin’ I woke up and strolled down ter breakfast. To me surprise Bluey was already there. Cripes. It was only 11 am. ‘E looks up at me and asks, "Did you sleep well?"

"No, I made a couple of mistakes." But ya live and learn, so we tucked in and got ready fer the strenuous day ahead.

By the time we got to the beach it was early afternoon. We’d been told that the place to go was Jomtien, so that’s where we ended up. Now, the beaches in Thailand are not like ours back ‘ome. First, there’s lots of deck chairs and umbrellas. Yer’d think the Thais were afraid of a bit of sun. But we plonked ourselves down and ordered a couple of cold tinnies. By the time they arrived we’d been pestered to buy cheap sunglasses, a wooden elephant, cotton sarongs, and ice cream. Bloody ‘ell. They don’t leave yer alone around ‘ere do they?

I cast an eye around and noticed some fat geezer lyin’ on the sand with a Thai shiela applyin’ what looked like artificial respiration. She was kneadin’ and thumpin’ ‘im something awful, so I strolled over to see if I could give ‘er a ‘and. I used ter be a lifesaver at Manly beach in Sydney years ago, so I know a bit about savin’ lives.

“Hey, are you alright mate?”

This bloody fat German lifts a bleary eye and says, “I’m fine until you came and wake me up.”

Well, I know when I’m not wanted, so I backed off, but I stuck around ter see what the shiela was up to. Then I twigged. This was the famous Thai massage I’d ‘eard about. She looked like she was doin’ a pretty good job so I asked ‘er if she’d like to attend to me after she finished on the kraut. She agreed to come and see me in about one more hour.

Now Bluey and me were curios ter see what else we could find along the beach so we takes a stroll headin’ for the headland we could see in the distance. I mentioned before that Thai beaches are different. But I didn’t realize ‘ow different until we’d been walkin’ a few minutes. There was all these blokes in tiny bikinis cuddlin’ up  with some real poofy lookin’ Thai boys. I says to Bluey, “Better watch yer back mate. Looks like we’ve wandered into Alice in Wonderland.”

We kept walkin’ watchin’ some kami kazi death wish boys drivin’ jet skis out on the bay, until we came to a secluded bay just around the ‘eadland. I was almost about to ask Bluey if we should turn around and go get another beer when I ‘eard a cry from down near the waterline. It was a bloke stranded there, with no arms or legs.

“Help! Can you carry me up the beach, please?” he cried out. Well, Bluey and me walks down and there’s this bloke lookin’ up at us. ‘E says, “Thanks. My friend had to go buy some cigarettes and the tide is coming in faster than I thought.”

“No worries, mate. We’ll just shift yer up the sand a bit and yer’ll be right as rain.”

“Your Australians!” he cried out in a voice full of fear. I swear this bloke was real smart.

“Yeah. So what?” I asks as Bluey and me picked ‘im up.

“Thank god you’re not like that horrible Australian woman who just came by.”

“Why, what ‘appened?” I asks.

“Well, I was sitting here waiting for my friend to come back, and this beautiful Thai girl comes by first. She sees me sitting there and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been hugged by a girl from Esarn before?”

“No”

So she gives me a long, warm hug and walks on. Then a tall, leggy blonde from Sweden comes by and says, “Oh, you poor man. Have you ever been kissed by a beautiful girl before?”

“No.”

So she gives me a deep, passionate kiss and walks on. Then this Australian woman walks up to me and says, “Have you ever been fucked before?”

I’m thinking to myself this is my lucky day, so I say, “No.”

She says, “Well, you’re going to be when the bloody tide comes in!” and walks away.

“Strewth mate. Yer must ‘ave met me bloody ex-wife. I’m real sorry about that. I’m Foster, and this ‘ere is me mate Bluey. Where are ya from, mate?”

“I’m Kirk Bays from Texas.” he says.

“Nice ter meet yer Kirk. How’d yer lose yer arms and legs?” I asks.

“In the Iraqi war. I forgot to read the Ammo Troop manual.”

“Yeah? What’s that say?”

“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”

Well, we ‘ad a good chuckle over that. Bluey and me wished ‘im luck and retraced our steps back to our camp. It was time for me Thai massage.

I’ll tell ya what, if yer ‘aven’t ever ‘ad a Thai massage before, yer missing one of the best things in life. She started out slow on me feet. Then she moved up me body, kneadin’ each part like she was in love with it. I never knew me kneecaps were an erogenous zone before. And when she got up to the top of me legs she knew ‘ow to tickle and tease without actually doin’ anythin’, turnin’ me into a quivering mess. Yer can imagine ‘ow I was feeling with all this personal attention, so I asks ‘er if she’d like to continue the treatment back at me ‘otel. But she said that she only does massage on the beach and doesn’t sleep with a man until she gets to know ‘im. I told ‘er, “Darlin’, with magic fingers like yours I reckon we already knows each other pretty good.”

But she wouldn’t ‘ave it. At the end of two hours I was done. She’d turned me into jello. The beaches in Thailand might not be all golden sands and crystal clear water like back ‘ome, but they do ‘ave their attractions. I was ‘ooked.

The sun was dippin’ towards the ‘orizon by now, so Bluey and me packed up our gear and took a final walk down the beach before headin’ for the hotel and the night’s activities. At least, I packed up. Bluey was lookin’ decidedly pissed. ‘E’d just sat there all afternoon drinkin’ beers. ‘E was havin’ a hard time walkin’ a straight line. Just as well the beach was almost deserted. I reckon ‘ed of been trippin’ over everyone if they’d been there.

We were just about to ‘ead up to the road to catch one of them bloody awful Baht busses when Bluey spots a joker doin’ push ups on the beach. He staggers over and watches for a mo, then ‘e leans down and says to the fella. “Hey mate! Yer wastin’ yer time. Yer shiela’s already gone ‘ome!”

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Next, Foster waxes lyrical and hears about the good Doctor Earnshawe….

© Written in 2006. All rights reserved by the author, Marc Holt.