Foster Foskin’s Agony Column 10

G’day Foreskin and how’re they hanging mate?

I’m a Thailand based expat for coupla years now and enjoying meself, apart for this nagging issue that seems to spoil the fun a bit. Problem is mate, i’m really into slim and sexy sheilas but for some weird reason i can only attract the fat and ugly broads. Wherever I go, to a bar, mall, disco, Tesco, to find meself a nice broad, in no time at all I’m surrounded by fat and overweight Thai sheilas who almost try to rape me on the spot.The slim and sexy ones never seem to be interested when I hit on them. I dun mean literally hit them but, well you know what I mean.

A bit about meself, i’m a 40 year old bloke in very good shape, muscled, tanned sixpack abs, still got me hair, the works, so I bloody think it would be more than fair I would land a chick with a matching physique wouldn’t you think?

To make matters worse, when hunting for sheilas Ii’m always wid me mate (Aussie too), who is physically the opposite of me, meaning fat and out of shape, bald and all, but this guy always seems to attract the gals I want to attract. Whenever we are together he always ends up taking a smoking hot sheila home leaving me on my own, red/green/yellow/blue with envy trying to battle off the fat and butt-ugly sheilas.

What could be the problem here mate? Enlighten me please.

Kerry

G’day mate, thanks fer yer concern at how me goolies are hangin’. They’re still there and likely ter be fer a long time, as I don’t plan on getting’ ‘em crushed by a fat shiela.

Are youse married? If youse are, then yer can solve that naggin’ issue real easy. Divorce ‘er mate!

I reckon yer fat shiela problem is easy ter solve too. Youse’ve gotta stop eatin’ on the run. Sit down at McDonalds or KFC and eat yer meals there. The fat shielas are after yer chips mate, not yer sausage. With all them fat shielas crowdin’ around yer, it’s no wonder the skinny shielas can’t get a look at yer!

As fer yer fat mate, well I reckon the answer is real simple there too. If yer must eat on the run, make ‘im carry the food. Right now, with all the fat shielas hangin’ around youse, he’s moppin’ up the skinny ones hangin’ around on the edges of the fat crowd.

Crikey! You thought youse had a problem? Gimme a harder one next time, as the shiela said ter the bishop.

Hello Foster darkling. Me hab big plomplan again. Me lose face me and friend me laugh too mutt.

Plomplan me start coz I meet this guy in bar in Pattaya where flend me working. Please member me not bad girl, but hab some flend me velly velly bad girl – Me take you meet one day, you like too mutt.

Anyway, dis man he come inna bar, he hab short brond hair, goofy smile like autistie boy, he kind of creepy and giving the girls 50 Baht notes make we would talk wid him. He tell me he international buisnessman with world wide company sell motosai parts. But I no belieb him. He say company in Nakhon Phongphong, on Mekhong River. I come from Esarn. I not know Nakhon Phongphong. We ride bike in Esarn. We no send oversea. I tink he lie too mutt and, how you say, ‘big note’ heself.

He like talk talk allatime bout heself. Say he hab website attack everybody. I go see, but not unerstand coz he call website NotStickyFingers. I no unnerstand. What StickyFingers?

He buy me new bra from vendor at bar, but first put on head he like Mickey Mouse ears. He tink funny, but now flend me in bar laugh too mutt and call me Stinky New Tits. I not mind laugh. But now tits me smell like motosai oil!

My plomplam is he tell whole world on Internet website him that he gib me 1,000 baht for all night go boom-boom. He very small man and only boom-boom for 3 minute. I go short time, get paid all night good for me, but everyone who go website t’ink I make work long time for small moneys. Now I hab many, many farung want same same. Ok, maybe not many. Alright, maybe two…or one. They say they read about me on NotStickyFingers.com

What can I do? He not want take out story from website about how he pay me small money for all night. I read before you take care some small mans same same he and tie him to tree. Maybe you trow dis man in Mekhong River for me, huh?

My flend me,

Miss Helicopter

G’day love, good ter hear from youse again.

So, youse met this bloke who big noted himself in a bar. So what? Youse got his money didn’t yer? Why are youse worried about his website? If it’s NotStickyFingers.com then youse ‘aven’t got anythin’ ter worry about. Only a couple of blokes ever go there anyway, and they only want ter see what rubbish he’s been rabbitin’ on about each month. I heard he likes shielas with pock marked faces, so I dunno why he chose you love. Youse’ve got a couple of dimples I quite like, but no pock marks I could discern.

If any of ‘is keeneow mates come botherin’ yer, just ask ‘em ter drop their pants first so yer can check whether they are hung like this bloke. If they are, just laugh and point so all yer shiela mates have a good dekko and laugh too. If he doesn’t run away, and he still wants ter take youse out of the bar, tell ‘im that you want ‘im to pay 2,000 Baht per inch. That should make yer at least 1,000 Baht, eh? Yer can be sure it will be for a very short time too. Har, har, hardy, har!

© Marc Holt. All rights reserved by the author.