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How are you, Mr Foskin? I have a problem I’m hoping you can help me with. I married a Thai whore, and now I think I am going crazy.

Everything was great at first. I was getting more sex than I’d ever had in my whole life. But then I started getting jealous. When we walked down the street, I felt every man’s eye on her as we passed and I kept wondering if she had slept with him. This tormented me, and I ended up keeping her a virtual prisoner in our house.
 
No matter how much money I gave her, it was never enough. I would buy her gold, and a week later it was gone. When I asked her where it was she would complain that she had to pawn it because she needed money. I couldn’t work out why she always needed more money.

Then I found out she was lying to me. I hired a private eye and found out she has a kid upcountry, plus a Thai husband. Despite this, I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of her. I was so madly in love (read Lust here readers) with her that I just couldn’t stop.

As my money dwindled, we had bigger fights, until two days ago she packed her bags and left. She put a big padlock on the door and now I can’t get out.

I thought she had paid the rent, but now the landlord tells me I am 3 months in arrears. I have also found out that she took my passport and the rest of my money, so I am really in big trouble. But I still love her and want her back. What should I do to convince her to come home again?

Sincerely,
DH Larsen


Crikey, DHL, what do the first two initials stand for, Dick Head?

Listen Larsen, if she didn’t take yer bloody clothes too, get dressed and then call a mate fer help. Yer need ter get out and go back ter wherever yer come from. Ferget this shiela. She’s not comin’ back. She’s got everythin’ she wanted from you.

Beg or borrow the money ter buy a plane fare and go. Don’t wait. Just do it. Yer don’t have the survival skills ter last in the Thai jungle, mate.


Dear Mr Foskin, I have an unusual question for you. I am looking for a wife and I can’t make up my mind whether to choose a lady closer to my age (I am 51), or should I pick a young filly instead?

Hoping you can help,
A. Steed


Well, mate, with a name like Steed I hope yer didn’t really mean yer want ter pick a young filly. The hooves would be hell on yer back when she lifts her legs on neigh!

I don’t mind a young filly meself on occasion, but fer a real performer go fer an older mare. She’ll be so grateful fer the attention yer won’t want ter get out of the saddle. You will find it’s a longer ride ter the finishin’ post too, with plenty of stimulatin’ performance ter keep yer on track.


I live in Sydney, Mr Foster. One of my friends found your column and he reckons you are the man to help me. Y’see, I have been in love with a hooker for the last ten years. Oh, I know what you are going to say, but let me tell you that this woman fulfills all my fantasies.

At first, I would go and see her at her ‘office’ once a month. Then, as I started falling in love with her it became once a week. Soon, I was going to see her nearly every day. I would take her little gifts and she would give me freebies in return. This went on for years and I couldn’t stop.

We even had threesomes with an Aussie shiela working in the same office. It was lots of fun, but I was getting frantic. I wanted to take her out of the life, but she always had some excuse. She needed more money to build a house, or for a sick buffalo, or because her brother fell off his motorsai. Except I found out it was all lies.

Finally, one day the other girl who had joined our threesome, Maggie, called me up and asked to meet me away from the office. She had a harrowing tale to tell. She explained that she wanted ter tell me the truth because she’s a true blue Aussie shiela and she couldn’t stand to watch me getting hurt all the time.

She told me that my girl, let’s call her Lin, had been stringing me along all the time. She was really Thai and she had a Thai husband and kid too. All the money I gave her went back to Thailand to support her family. I felt like a real fool at first!

However, when I confronted Lin with this, she explained that she didn’t want to tell me about her husband and kid until after she had obtained a divorce. She was worried that I might kick her out! As if I would.

Now, here’s my problem. Lin has gone back to Thailand to get the divorce. She tells me it takes a long time to get a Thai divorce because of all the paperwork. But it’s been nearly six months and I really miss her.
 
Despite what Maggie told me, I don’t care what she has done in the past. I still love her and want her back as soon as her divorce comes through. I send her money each week so that she can survive and to pay for the legal fees. But how much longer should it take, do you think?

Mr Foster, I need your help. Can you go and see Lin and see if you can speed up the paperwork? The sooner she gets the divorce the sooner we can get married. I’ve included a photo and her address so that you can find her.

Signed,
Lin-e-Ment


So, Lin-e-Ment, this Lin shiela fulfils all yer fantasies, eh? Yer must ‘ave a lot of fantasies if it’s taken yer 10 years with ‘er. Now she’s gone and yer want her back? I reckon yer need a bit more help than I can give yer, mate.

Now, if yer don’t mind, I’ve found this you-beaut shiela who tells me she’s just come from the Gold Coast and calls ‘erself Lan. She knows a thing or two about fulfillin’ me own fantasies, let me tell yer! Funny thing is, I can see a big resemblance to your Lin in the photo. Does Lin have a sister?

Anyway, we’re just goin’ out ter do some shoppin’. Before that we ‘ave ter stop orf at Western Union ter pick up some more money from about half a dozen of ‘er sponsors. Keep sendin’ the money mate! Who knows? Maybe Lin’s divorce might come through sooner than yer think. Meanwhile, don’t hold yer breath, eh?