Links
Our banners
Latest News
Newsletter archive
Interviews
Sileakhunt
Book Store

Dear Mr Foster, I am pretty good Thai lady live in Pattaya. I like read your agony column for you teach me so much about farung. One thing I confuse. Why you wear hat with mini coke cans? You thirsty all the time?

Yours lovingly,
PGTL

G’day shiela. Before I answer yer question, I’d like to ask you one if yer don’t mind. What are yer ‘pretty good’ at? Me mobile number is 081 555-2222 if yer want ter show me, eh?

Now, me hat in the picture on this page is not really the hat I wear. I asked the artist ter draw a real-life likeness of me, but as yer can see, I couldn’t afford a very good artist. Fer some reason, he thinks all us Ockers wear them silly hats with corks hangin’ down. So they aren’t coke cans, ok?

Cow cockys like me wouldn’t be seen dead with bloody corks hangin’ orf our hats. No. I wear a true blue Akubra. Mine’s black so that yer can’t see the dirt and the dust I pick up in me job. The good ol’ Akubra is a real Aussie hat made from rabbit fur. I had ter go huntin’ many times ter shoot enough black rabbits ter make me hat.

The Akubra is especially sturdy too. Why, just the other day I was about ter punch a cocky, meanin’ I was about ter tie up a heifer and brand ‘er, when she got all stroppy. Every time I come near ‘er with the bloody rope she’d shy away. Just as well cows aren’t too good with their hoofs or I’d be in a punch up with ‘em fer sure.

Anyway, this bloody heifer hauled off and swung an uppercut tail, knockin’ me Akubra ter the ground. Then she started doin’ a bloody jig on it, the cheeky wench! So, I hauled orf and punched ‘er lights out, picked it up, shook it out and she’s sittin’ back on me head as good as new again: The Akubra, that is, not the bloody heifer.

So, ter answer yer question, real Aussie cow cockies wear an Akubra. Sheep farmers wear hats with corks around the brim ter keep the daggy flies away from their face.


Dear Mr Foster, a lot of the letters to you are from men who have had disastrous experiences with Thai women. I’ve been coming to Thailand since the mid-1970’s and I have seen for myself how these things happen. That’s why I would never marry a Thai woman. There are many reasons for this, but I think you could sum them up like this:

1.    Lack of honesty – Thais don’t think about the truth like we do. For them, it’s something to avoid if it will cause problems. They never seem to think that telling lies usually makes things worse.
2.    Superficial attitudes – It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to have an intellectual discussion with most Thais. They much prefer to read comics and watch soap operas. Whatever you see in Thailand is what you get.
3.    Ability to compromise – Compromise is good, but the Thais seem to take it to extremes. Instead of facing up to problems and looking for ways to resolve them, they will look for the easy way out.
4.    Sexual attitudes – Thais don’t view sex with the same awe, wonder, or respect that we do in the West. To me, sex is an expression of a deep commitment between a man and a woman. I could never marry a woman who just views it as another bodily function, especially a woman who thinks sex is for making money.

So, there you have it Mr Foskin. What do you think?

Best regards,
Nomarry Jack


Jeez, Jack. I was thinkin’ about answerin’ yer points one by one, but then I realized yer weren’t talkin’ about what happens back home. Let’s face it mate, no matter where yer go yous’ll find people with the same problems. It’s how yer perceive ‘em that makes the difference. Since I just married a beaut Thai shiela recently, I’m probably not the best one ter comment.

I will say this, but. When yer find the right woman, yer get out of the relationship what yer put into it. The problem is, too many blokes don’t find the right woman, and so they compromise. If yer’ve ever walked around Pattaya durin’ the day yer’ll see a lot of these ‘ere compromises. That’s where the saying came from I guess, “I’ve been to bed with some real beaut lookin’ shielas, but somehow I seem ter wake up with a bloody dragon in the mornin’.”

I feel sorry fer yer, mate. There’s nothin’ wrong with havin’ standards, but I reckon yours are way too high. Learn ter compromise, look beneath the surface, be honest with yerself first, and enjoy the sex whenever yer can get it. Which begs the question. Why have you been coming to Thailand all these years if you feel so strongly negative about it?
 

My dear Mr Forskin, my boyfriend me no can make big one any more. He no can get hum (John Thomas) he up and make me happy. I try many ting already. Gib him eat bamboo shoot cook wit oyster. He like very mut, but still him no grow fast like bamboo.

I make he wear many magic amulet bless by magic man and monk, but now he walk bend over. Hum he no push back him up straight.

Now I get desperate. Take he to see lady witch doctor. She sprinkle wit speshial magic water, burn incense, ask many gods for help. Even take boyfriend me to private room for speshial magic ceremony. Lady witch doctor she say boyfriend me no hab problem.

But when we get home, still no luck. Hum he still no action. I getting desperate Mr Forskin. I no hab sex I get very horny, maybe become big helicopter again, same same like before hab many mans.

You help me before, so I beg you please help me again. I no want go find new boyfriend can perform better boyfried me. That make my boyfriend me unhappy, but maybe only way to make me happy. What you t’ink?

Yours desperately,
Miss Helicopter


Ah, Miss Helicopter, I’m glad my advice helped you before.

I am very sorry to hear about your new trouble. If you need temporary relief, the ol’ Foster is always available. That won’t help your boyfriend, of course, but it would put a smile on yer dial, I guarantee.

There don’t seem ter be a big problem, though, if the lady witch doctor said he has no problem. I reckon there might be somethin’ wrong with yer boyfriend’s eyes, judgin’ by the picture youse sent me of you in a cute negligee. It got me so worked up the wife and me wasted the whole day in bed!

Take yer boyfriend ter see an eye doctor first. If that don’t help, then take ‘im to a Go-Go bar. Maybe that will get ‘im goin’.

Have yer thought that maybe he’s just lost interest in the you? Ask ‘im if a trannie would help. Or yer could invite another girl in ter share the nuptial bed. I don’t know what else ter suggest. The good thing is, there are so many alternatives yer could try that might work ter get him interested again. Don’t give up love. If yer really love yer man, go all out ter please ‘im.

One more thing, Helicopter. The name is ‘Foskin’, ok?


Dear Mr Forskin. T’ank you for you kind advice. I try everyt’ing you suggest, and last one is best. I bring sister me to bed and now we boom boom alla time have much fun together. My boyfriend, he know now I lub him too much and we very happy.

Miss Helicopter Nomore


Dear readers, is the ol’ Fos a genius or what? By the way, I’ve made an appointment ter go and teach her spellin’ when she finally gets out of bed.