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Dear Fos,

I have a bit of a sticky problem, ya see me sheila sorta seems to have a dick. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no pillow biter, but geez, she’s hot, gorgeous face, long legs, huge titties, all a man could want except for that thing hanging off the front. But it is only a small thing for all that. She reckons some Thais are just born that way?

My question is, what the hell should I do? She is everything I want in a woman, well almost. I read the internet, and know that lots of guys like to stick it up where the sun don’t shine. As long as I don’t flip her over ya wouldin know the difference. Again let me make this clear, I ain’t no poof, I never let her stick it in me. Of course ya wouldin count grabbin it for leverage occasionally would ya?

Help me Fos, what should I do? Me mate recons I oughta head back to Sydney for the Marti Gras, but all that gay shit don’t interest me. Should I give her the flick or maybe pay for her to get the chop. What do ya reckon?

From: In love too mutt

Crikey Mutt. How can yer shiela ‘sorta’ have a dick? That’s kinda like sayin’ a shiela is ‘almost a virgin’!

Have yer checked real hard ter see what that thing hangin’ off the front is? I mean, I’ve met a few shielas meself who were well built in that department. They was real beaut shielas too. Maybe youse’ve got lucky with more than yer bargained for.

What should yer do? The answer is obvious mate. You and Dana should make a great bloody pair. He isn’t gay either. He just likes trannies, bar girls, beer bars (but not fer the beer), beach road, soi dogs, things hangin’ off the front – or not, and mirrors everywhere.

I reckon youse would all get on like a house on fire.

Why would youse give ‘er the chop? I reckon yer want to hold onto this one, any way you like. If youse are goin’ ter give her the flick, just do it gently. Nothin’ wrong with a little bit of pain from a well aimed flick ter get the juices flowin’.

Attn: Mr. Foskin

I need help with a problem — and no it is not how to get my bilabong out of a sheepdog. The problem is that I am on the way to godhead status and so naturally I have had all the walls and ceilings in my house covered with mirrors so that I will be able to maximize the number of times I can gaze at myself. Only thing is sometimes with so many reflections of myself I can get a little disoriented. And if there is one thing we can all agree on I think it is the fact that we do not want disoriented gods. Any suggestions?

Dana

Jeez Dana, youse’ve covered yer house in mirrors? Don’t come the raw prawn with me mate!

I mean, I could understand yer bedroom covered in mirrors so youse can watch while yer shiela yells out “Oh god, oh god, oh Dana!!!”

Of course, when she’s getting’ down and it’s you yellin’ out “Oh god! Oh god!”, Is that what youse call ‘god head’?

But mirrors all over the house? Youse must be the voyeur of all time!

Let me see if I can picture this ‘ere. Yer missus is cookin’ dinner and yer feel like sneakin’ up on ‘er fer a bit of naughty nooky. No problem around my house. Yer should see what I can cook up with a wide-handled spatula.

I don’t reckon youse could do that though, eh? Sneak up on ‘er, I mean. She’d see yer comin’ a mile away.

Come ter think of it, that’s what yer last girlfriend said, you know, the one with the bloody great adam’s apple and the deepish voice. “I can see Dana comin’ a mile away.” She always said ter me.

Not sure what shim meant by that though mate.

Anyway, wiith all them mirrors around the place I dunno what yer problem is. As long as she keeps yellin’ out “Oh god!” I reckon yer in like Flynn.

Dear Foster,

My girlfriend is a 30-year-old Thai-Chinese woman who makes more money than I do. She has a Master’s Degree that she received from a Californian university in the states. She drives a nice car, has a good job, and comes from a good family. She has a lighter, Chinese-looking complexion and she is quite pretty. She is the kind of girl Thai men really like because of her lighter skin and sometimes people think she’s Japanese or Korean. Personally, I don’t care if the skin is dark or light, or if the girl looks more Chinese or Thai…they are all beautiful Despite being pretty and coming from a family with money, she is totally non-pretentious. I trust her 100% and she is sweet as can be. Most importantly, she really loves me and wants to get married.

If we get married, I’d be expected to pay a one million baht dowry, which is almost all I have. But, don’t fall out of your chair just yet. The dowry is just for show. Since she comes from a rich family that doesn’t need my money, her parents would give the money right back to us as soon as the wedding was over. Then we could use it to put a down payment on a condo, house, or whatever we want (though the wedding ceremony and ring will still cost a lot). So, that is a better deal than marrying a girl from a poor family because though the dowry is only 100k or 200K the family keeps it all because they really need it. My girlfriend has her own money too, so we can go in 50 - 50 on a condominium or house.

“So, what is the problem? She sounds perfect,” you may be wondering. The problem is, I’m not sure if I want to get so serious, but if I don’t marry her soon, she won’t wait for me anymore. She’ll be 31 soon and she wants to plan her future. She doesn’t want to have her first kid in her late-thirties.

Garet

Jeez mate, if youse aren’t sure and have ter ask the question then the answer is obvious! Don’t marry her.

Examine yer motives Garet, as well as yer heart. Right now, I’d say youse’re looking at yer girlfriend as a good catch because she comes from a rich family, is indepenent, and has a car. Don’t let that fool yer lad. Her family are not likely to take yer to their bosom and make youse a partner in the family business. Youse’ll be on yer own, just as youse are now.

Be very, very sure before youse tie the knot. Let yer heart do the thinkin’. Remember, yer have ter wake up with her every day once yer get married. Is she really the one? When the kids come, if they do, youse’ll be stuck with yer decision. I hope youse make the right one mate!