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Life Along with Wanna and Simuang

This should be sub-titled “Life along with Wanna and Simuang” and it is dedicated to those two “sweethearts” of the city of Angels. Desperate in search of a way back to South East Asia I found a temporary job as PR-manager in a hotel in Koh Samui. But I would first stay in Bangkok at the reservation & sales office in a small boutique hotel on Ploenchit road. And that is just 100m walk from Sukhumvit Soi 4. It did become 3-months of hard-learning lessons that changed my life forever. It’s about me and falling in love with . My feelings of that time are best described in a few rows.

"Sukhumvit road, Boulevard of lost faces, forgotten promises and ruined lives. Where broken hearts make new dreams every day just to vanish in the night and to be forgotten in the morning. At sunrise, just before reality awakens they meet each other in the lobby of just another hotel and they will offer food to the monks so all their sins will be forgiven. You pass them by at McDonald’s and they will give you the happiest a smile you have ever seen. Welcome to the City of the fallen Angels."

One night in Bangkok

After arriving with China Airlines at Don Muang airport Bangkok I took the shuttle bus A3 to Sukhumvit where I would suppose to find my new workplace. It took me and two very heavy bags a 10-min walk and a lot of sweat to reach the hotel from the bus stop. The hotel is a small (18 room's) hotel tucked away in a kind of alley behind a big "duty free" shopping mall at Ploenchit road. Here I was supposed to stay for a couple of days and meet my new boss and colleague's from the Sales & Reservation office. My new boss (khun Akorn) is the former owner of one of the biggest Thai hotel chains, who sold this all after he found out he had cancer. Now he would like to "retire" in the one resort left at Koh Samui. In the spring of 2000 khun Akorn died of cancer and left his beloved Thong Sai Bay in the hands of his wife and his son khun Kob.

As said I was suppose to leave Bangkok after 3 days to go to work at Koh Samui, but my boss decided that I would go in training for 3 weeks in Bangkok first. This decision would dramatically change everything. My training consists of working at the Sales & Reservation office, which is located inside the hotel. Here I have 7 colleagues, 6 women and one man. Three of them are very beautiful young girls, who are also quiet funny. Another part of my training is working at the hotel reception and in the hotel restaurant. This last one is quiet difficult for me, serving in a 5-star restaurant is not what I'm used to do.

After 10 days in training I find out that my daily 6-days a week routine is to get up at 7:30, have breakfast at 8:00 and start working at 8:30. During work we have lunch at 13:00 and after stop working at 18:00 I have dinner at 19:00. And what else can a "single" male doing in Bangkok if you work and live a 5-min. walk from Sukhumvit Soi 4? So after dinner I mostly went to one of the beer gardens at Soi 4 or Soi 7 and later in the evening to one of the bars at Nana Entertainment Plaza (NANA PLAZA). After a few days my favorite places seems to be “Golden Beer Bar”, “The Bus Stop”, Woodstock, G-Spot, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and “Beer garden Soi 7”. Before I left to I had made a lot of contact by Internet with people living in Bangkok, so on these evenings I had the chance to meet them in real life. So I get mixed up with a bunch of expatriates from all over the world who frequently visit Nana Plaza and all the beer gardens at Sukhumvit, and who mostly end up at Thermae coffee shop. But before they end up there I left the party and went to sleep.

"It's nice to watch the game, I'm glad I control it" Did I hear that before? Well as I'm working 6 days a week for 10 hours a day I hardly have time and money to play the game. “I would invite you, but I'm afraid you would not like the rules.” Three months later I have to admit that I'm not in control and I do not like the rules set up by the all the nice girls. More then this I do not understand the rules and I do not understand the girls.  The rest of this story is about how I learned that I'm not in control and that I tried to understand the rules and the girls, but I never succeeded in it. Could someone explain to me now?

Another day in paradise

“Manipulating the truth is the Thai way of reality.”  On Sunday I have an appointment with Simuang. I did meet her 2 days ago in a bar at Nana Plaza where she was doing a lesbian shower show. She is 22 years old, very beautiful, born in the Isan, sister of 2 younger brothers and 5 older brothers. Her mother is now alone, but all her children are of 3 husbands. Simuang, her father died when she was 10 years old. She has been to school for 6 years only. Before working in a go-go bar she did work at a construction place for 7 months. And you can see that! But when her brother had an accident and was in the hospital she left her work to go to her brother. And when she came back there was no work for her anymore. She speaks a little bit of English or better said ‘bar English’; also called ‘Bengels’. But she can not read our characters. First I thought she could not read at all, but at one of the last day I found out that she needs glasses to read. And because glasses do not look so sexy she never uses them.

She invited me to the place where she lives in a room with her lady friend. To reach this place you have to walk trough Nana Plaza, which looks totally different in the daytime. It's a totally different world; bright light, old furniture, cats everywhere, and girls eating Lao food. Arriving at her room it seems that "her room" consists of one big room with TV and air-conditioning, a big plastic couch, and one other bigger room where about 50 bar girls are living and sleeping without air-conditioning. I'm invited only to the first room, where about 10 girls are sleeping on the ground and the couch. Simuang is also still sleeping but awakes when I arrive. All the other girls are not having the intention to wake-up, so I have a little chat with Simuang. When two other girls see that there is a falang in the room, they start looking and talking about it. As Simuang now wants to talk with her friends, she wants me to go to sleep. Well, why not? Lying on the couch and watching the life of these girls is a very special and great experience for me.  Simuang leaves the room and another girl brings me a pillow to sleep on. One of her friends looks to my small feet and can not believe that a falang can have such a small feet. Between Simuang and all these girls I have the privilege to watch the lives of these girls. Simuang ordered some Lao food, and this is delivered in the room and put in the middle of the room on the floor. Nobody is taking notice of it, but after a few minutes someone starts yelling for Simuang. She walks in, does not look to the women who brought the food, and after a few minutes she gets some money and gives it to the women. But nobody starts eating the food; Simuang leaves the room again. Then suddenly two other girls start eating the food and then Simuang returns and also starts eating. In front of me 3 little women are eating, like they are on the rice fields of the Isan. Are these the same girls dancing yesterday night in a go-go bar? Suddenly one of the girls walks out and comes back with a glass of Fanta for me. The girls are chatting and looking to me, the crazy falang attraction, eating and drinking. I think Simuang is happy because I'm “her falang”. But then again, I can not look behind the smile.

In front of me the daily routine of the bar girls lives is starting, a life which I had never expected to be here in this old and dirty building called Nana Plaza. Working & living in Nana Plaza, do these girls have the chance to see the real world full of beautiful life? I'm afraid they have no time and money for it. How rich in money and freedom of choices are we? So rich in choices that we do not know what to do with it. Dressed almost naked, the girls are walking and eating and I can not help looking at it. Of course Simuang sees that I look, which is a good reason for having sanuk. In a few hours time the girls are starting to get ready to go to work. Next to me a girl is putting on make-up and sexy lingerie. Slowly she changes from an Isan country girl into a very sexy Thai a-go-go girl. Simuang makes a joke about the girl; she is too old for me. "She is already 30 years old" she says. When I tell her that I'm 35 nobody believes me, they think I'm 25 years old. In the meanwhile Simuang and 3 other girls are playing cards and Simuang is winning all the games. Some other girls are watching TV, while one girl is zapping all the channels. The other girls do not complain about the zapping, but they just watch the zapping and nothing changes. Is this their idea of having a nice afternoon? Watching TV, chatting, playing cards, eating and doing nothing. It's strange, but even I start to like it.

"Is she heaven or is she hell? Welcome to Hotel California." As I decided to pay her bar fine (500 baht) for this evening, Simuang leaves the room and comes back in a total metamorphosis. There is a beautiful young girl dressed like a women of the world, but inside she is still the hard working Isan bargirl. We go back to my hotel to change my clothes. When she sees my room and bathroom she wants me to go and have dinner, she is not hungry. Then she can take a shower. No problem for me, I always eat in the hotel restaurant, as this is free for me. I leave the room and she disappears into the bathroom. When I return after almost two hours she is still in the bathroom. I secretly open the door and she is still in the bathtub. She is like a princess sitting in the cold water. The whole bathroom is one big mess. I tell her that I will go to the lobby to read the newspaper and that she has to get out of the bathroom. When I return in 1 hour she is out bathroom, but now sleeping like a princess next to the air-conditioner, which is on full blast. I sit down and watch her, how can I wake her up? She is so lovely and looks so happy. After a while I wake her up and tell her I want to go outside and that she has to leave the room. She looks at me and in her eyes I can read "Why go out? You have a beautiful room, a real bed and air-conditioning, why would we go outside?"

Once outside the first thing Simuang wants to do is going to the bar where she works. This is something I did not understand at that moment. Why would you go to the place where you work when you do not have to work? Now I think I understand. The place where they works is all they have, is all they know. This is the place where friends are, this is the place where they know everybody and everything. This is home, where they are in control. Simuang shows me around in the bar and looks almost proud to show me to her friends. Late in the evening when I decided that it is time for me to go to sleep, as I have to work the next day, Simuang wants to go with me. But as she knows I'm married, she says, "No make love, I sleep. You good room." I explain to her that it is not a good idea as I have to get up at 7:30 and she would have to leave the room at 8:30. And that's something she will not be able to do. She is disappointed, but says she understands.  Now at this moment I have my doubts about that. But is she not entitled to do so? After all it's her work. Or is there more?

Next day in Paradise

"What is better a "painful truth" or a "sweet lie"?" After having lunch yesterday at McDonald’s I also ordered some Lao food at the food stall in Nana Plaza and had it delivered at the room of Simuang, for only 30thb. In the evening Simuang tells me she was surprised about the food and was more surprised that I did not come inside. She tells me that her friends have no problem with my visiting, and that I can always walk in for a lunch.

So the next day I order some food again and then go to room where Simuang and her friend are living. It's 13:30 and of course everybody is still asleep. Lucky for me one of the girls noticed me and shouts something in Thai like "Oi, wake-up, that farang is here again!" She does not bother with the fact that all the other girls are still sleeping. When the food is brought in everybody is laughing, so the food last day was also from me! I tell the girls to eat, but of course then I have to eat with them. As I do not want to be shy I eat the Tom Yam with them, which of course is a little bit too hot and spicy for me. This is much sanuk for the girls. It's time to say goodbye, as I have to go to work again. I had a fantastic lunch; I wished it would never end. Can I continue this? Will Simuang and/or myself not get too close? Where is this gonna end? I promise her to visit her tonight, but I also promise myself not to make it too late because I have to start working the next day at 8:30.

That evening Simuang asks me to pay bar fine, which I do not do. She is disappointed, but she tells me she still likes me. She tells me not to butterfly anymore and she kisses me very strong in my neck to make a mark of property. I can butterfly as long as she does not see; if she sees she will start kick boxing with me. She promises me that she will not butterfly and will only dance and not go for "short time" or "long time". I do not understand this, is she not a go-go girl and am I not a customer? She knows I'm married, she has seen pictures of my wife and me. She said my wife is very beautiful, but it would be better if she (Simuang) had been in the picture. My wife is called "lady ", as I told her that my wife's parents are from . But as she has not got the faintest idea where my home country or is this has no real meaning to her.

In one of the pictures she sees my bicycle in front of my house. That's a great joke; do I go on bicycle to my work?

That's the funniest thing she ever heard of. That evening I also ask her if she would like to go with me to Koh Samui.

“Yes”, a great smile, she asks me, "No bullshit?" I tell her, "No bullshit". But now I can say it looks like it was bullshit, because my stay at Koh Samui changed and I never took Simuang to Koh Samui. I do not like it, but it just happened that way.

The next day the ritual of having lunch with Simuang and her friends continues. I walk from my work to Soi Nana, buying some French fries at McDonalds, some fresh fruit and of course Tom Yam. When I enter the room of the girls everybody is still asleep and it is quite dark inside. I do not recognize any girl. I wake up the nearest one and she pointed to one of the other girls which seemed to be Simuang. She is in total coma and stumbles away to the other room. After 5 minutes she comes back and we start watching TV, despite the fact that all the other girls are still sleeping. Normally the girls will sleep for about 12 hours a day. These girls are like cats, sleeping all day and being beautiful! Also today my lunchtime is too short for me, chatting, eating, and watching chatting Isan girls! Beautiful!

It's a great life if you are not looking to the fact that the most of these girls never had the opportunity of education, living in a non air-conditioned room, having one shower and one toilet (for about 40 girls). Having no insurance if they are sick or would have an accident. Working for 7 day's a week with 2 holidays’s a month. They take care of customers and their family, but who is taking care of them? Nobody I guess. They live and work at almost the same place, for 7 days a week. Everything they need is available in a distance of 100 meters. We live in the outrageous luxury of having money, lots of free time, and total freedom of choices. We have so much free time that we do not know what to do with it. When I show the map of to Oi she asks me where my home country is. How can I explain that this is only the map of and not of the world? I travel all over the world and know shops, restaurants and hotels in Paris, London, Beijing, Bangkok, Hamburg, Hanoi and Barcelona. All they know is where they are born, live, and work. They do not even have the time to be curious about the rest of the world. Being back in my home country I would like to show them my world. I would like them to see culture and all other beautiful things of living. But would they be even interested in it? Would they be able to enjoy it?

Thursday I meet Wanna again. I did meet her last year, when she just started working in a bar. She is 26 years old, she has a child of 7 years old and her husband died four years ago (or is she just divorced). She looks to be different from the other girls. First of course she is older, second she can not only speak better English but her speech also makes more sense. But she has changed, for better or for worse? I do not know yet and I do not want to know. She now has, as all the smart girls, a GSM phone. And now she knows all the bars in Nana Plaza. Last year she did not want to go into Nana Plaza. Now she can read and write (very slowly) English and she has an email account. She does not talk about friends, but about customers. So I suppose I'm also "only customer". This night I go to bed early, but in the middle of the night at 3:30 my wife calls my to tell me she is missing me very much. She tells me that if I stop working and become a Go-Go-Farang she will put all my belongings outside and replace the lock of the door. Women!! My wife wants to kick me out of my own house and the bar girls want to kick boxing with me if I butterfly with other girls.

The next day I had lunch with Simuang again, she had bought all kinds of fruit and I bought some Tom Yam. When I came back at the office I made some pictures of my colleagues. The rest of the day I have been writing postcards and sending emails. I do not think this is gonna be a good marketing, but who am I? Khun Kob is still at Koh Samui and my boss has gone to Chiang Mai.

In the evening I have a dinner appointment with Rainer, so we arranged to meet up at The Landmark hotel lobby. After dinner we go to the “Golden Beer Bar” to have a chat and a drink. Wanna is working tonight. We talk about expat life, Thai bargirls, and the daughters of Rainer. He is afraid that he has to lock them up in the house when they become older; they look so beautiful that Bangkok and especially Sukhumvit is not best place for them. So we are talking about girls here at the bar and how much it would cost to go with them. Wanna does not really answer, but tells Rainer that he could better spend his money on his children and wife. Because if he would have sex with a girl from here it would be the same sex as he would have with his wife. And about me, she tells me I'm married so I should not butterfly. We are talking and chatting about all kinds of things and early in the evening Rainer and I leave the bar. I walk into Nana Plaza very quickly as I try to escape the watching eyes of Wanna.  But of course I'm trapped by her when I'm walking in and she shouts, "Hey, where are you going?" I just walk in and go to “G-Spot” to see Simuang. She is working at the door so I do not have to go inside and spend money. We talk and she wants me to pay bar fine. She has "accident" (her period), but if I pay bar fine she will give me a nice… no way, I go to my hotel alone. I wake up with a beautiful sunrise at 5:30 in the morning.

"As matter a fact in one does not need a watch but a calendar." After a nice continental breakfast in the hotel restaurant I started working again. All day writing postcards and sending emails again, what a waste of time. But time and labor are almost free in , so why not? Talking to my chef, she tells me that I probably will have to go to Koh Samui next week.

And of course I have lunch with Simuang again. Today Mama-san was there also, she had her nails done by one of the girls. I made an appointment with Simuang to go to a disco that evening, to Taurus disco. That evening I come to G-Spot to pickup Oi, but of course she is not there. Only one hour too late, well at that moment I was not yet used to Thai time. As matter a fact in one does not need a watch but a calendar. Simuang is dressed like a very sexy bar girl; only a T-shirt, hot pants, and high-heel shoes. I like it, but I tell her that I think it's nice for in the Go-Go bar but not for a disco. Do I feel ashamed to go out with her like that? She asks me if I do not like it. Yes, of course I like it but can I tell her that she looks like a hooker? Ok, she is a hooker, but I decided not to say it to her in that way, so I say, "Hey, I love you like that, but it's up to you how you want to dress yourself." Finally after a few drinks we leave G-Spot about 23:00. And after a little bit of taxi driving we arrive at Taurus disco at Soi 26, instead of what was told to me at Soi 24. It's quite a big disco with a sushi bar, a tapas bar, a pub and a snooker place. We as farang and Thai girl have to pay each a 500 baht entrance fee, for which we are entitled to 3 drinks each. When we arrive at almost 24:00 they're not so many people, but within an hour it started to be crowded. A lot of young rich Thai people and almost no farangs were there. Most people are dressed very normal; only a few are dressed extravagantly. Also the dancing is very decent, so Simuang and I are quite in the picture in this place. Next to Simuang and me there is a Thai boy alone. And as normally here he ordered a bottle of Johnny Walker Whisky, Soda, and a bucket of ice. I start talking with him and he offers a drink. Afterwards Simuang orders two Heineken, so I started to drink beer for the first time in my life. At the end of the evening I see that they have Amaretto, so I order one. They serve this in a very small glass, which is a fantastic joke for Simuang. At 3:00 to my total surprise the joint has to close and at the exit the police are watching and controlling. We go back to Nana Plaza and Simuang goes to her room and I to my hotel. I get to sleep at 4:00 and wake up at 12:00.

Simuang asked me to come tonight to G-Spot at 20:30, so I come at 21:30. When I arrive Simuang is not there yet, but for the night entertainment the electricity breaks down. I expected some panic, but not at all. The girls stop dancing, the guests continue drinking, and some waiters are lighting candles. This ritual repeats itself about 5 times. And as I know that this is now happening in about 30 bars around me and that there are no fire exits I can see the all place burning down. I think of two songs of The Trammps "Burning, and I mean burning in the soul and not burning down this place" and "Where were you when the light went out in New York City?"

As Simuang is still not there two other girls sit with, and all over, me. So when she arrives she is a little bit pissed off. But she cools down after a few minutes and when I want to go back to my hotel she wants to go with me and make me "happy". I tell her that seems not a good idea to me. I have to start working at 8:30 and she would have to leave the room and she is definitely not gonna make it that early.  In the meanwhile Mama-san tells me that I should stay a little bit longer and offer her a drink. And tomorrow I should go shopping with her. I tell her that first of all she will be sleeping all day and second she does not like shopping. Is it all becoming too much personal? I have the intention to visit G-Spot and Simuang only one more time before I leave to Koh Samui.

The next evening I had a drink at the “Golden Beer Bar” with Wanna. She is with a customer, but she divides her time between him and me. She is a little bit drunk and later I meet her at Angels Disco and we even dance together with her customer. No problem? Before going to Angels Disco I did meet a Tuk-Tuk driver at the Golden Beer Bar. He is of course from the Isan, is already divorced for 10 years and has a son of 13 years old and a daughter of 12 years old. His daughter lives with his ex-wife in the Isan, he does not want her to live in Bangkok. His son is living with him but is not allowed to come at Sukhumvit. He has been a professional kick boxer and has been very rich. But kick boxing is for the younger people and now he is Tuk-Tuk driver. He works 7 days a week for 12 hours a day. Once a year he goes to his ex-wife and daughter to bring money. In Bangkok he lives with a girlfriend, if she does not like him she can leave. He speaks very good English and knows his way around in Bangkok very well.  At 00:30 I go back to my hotel and for the first time my room is really very empty and I feel very alone. I think about my life in and working at the hotel.

Just another evening and of course I am back again in Soi Nana to visit Simuang in “G-Spot”. She is dancing but acts like she does not see me. After dancing she disappears and one of the waitresses tells me that she has a customer. But a friend of her tells me that Simuang is sitting alone at the other side of bar and I have to go to her. She is just totally out of order sitting there and does not look to me. But then she asks me to sit with her. We have a little chat and I give her photos of herself. But the first photo that she wants to have is the one with her and me together. Would she really like me and be pretending all the personal distance to avoid a painful goodbye? I still do not know. Will I ever know? As I have to leave tomorrow at 17:00 I ask Simuang to come to my hotel at 17:00 and say goodbye to me. She says that she will try, but she also tells me that she has to do something with her sister this night. Sister? She has no sister!

After G-Spot I pass Golden Beer Bar but Wanna is on "holiday" for 3 days with a customer. At mid-night I walk to my hotel and start to realize that there is a big chance that I will miss Bangkok when I'm working at Koh Samui. Or would I only miss Simuang?

Going to the south

I wake up at 5:00 o'clock in the morning and at 6:00 I have my own private continental breakfast on my second-class lower sleeper, a croissant with marmalade and orange juice. would not be if the train would not arrive too late. But due to the late arrival I miss the first very boat to Koh Samui and finally at 13:45 I arrive at Natong, Koh Samui. As I made a telephone call to the hotel that I would arrive at 13:30 they have send a hotel taxi to pick me up. And at the hotel a very beautiful and young Thai girl who would become my colleague welcomes me. And what more her room is next to my room, how stupid of me to tell her that I am married. I have a good room, with private bathroom and western toilet. I even have air-conditioning. After showing me my room she will pick me up again after 20 minutes to give me the grand tour of the hotel.

The hotel is situated at a hillside overlooking their private beach. There are 15 villa's surrounded by a tropical garden and on the other side two buildings with 24 rooms and also 40 cottages. It looks very beautiful, but for my personal taste there are too many buildings and especially the villas are too neat and too much ordered. Together with Ple I have dinner at the restaurant and she tells me that she and her friends will go to the Full Moon Party at Koh Phagnang this night. Would I like to join them? Yes, of course I like that! So after a short sleep she gives me call at 00:15 that we leave for the party. With seven people in an open Jeep we are off to Bo Phut to take a speedboat to Koh Phagnang. In company of 6 young Thai people, of which there are 2 very beautiful girls. One of the beautiful girls is my colleague Ple and the other is her friend. She is very small, sweet and beautiful and when the morning comes and she is tired and cold she is sleeping like a lovely cat next to me on the beach. At the moment I would like to put my arm around her and take her close to me. Not to make love with her, but just to take care of her. But at that moment it seemed not a good idea to me. At 05:45 we are going back to Koh Samui and at 07:00 I get into my bed. At 11:00 I have to wake up. I take my first lunch at the canteen, which for me actually is my breakfast. Rice soup, mussel with green curry and sweet rice as dessert.

Almost 3 weeks later I started to dislike my work, my boss, and the place to live. Living in this hotel seems to be like living in a golden jail. I'm almost in the state of mind to leave my luggage over here and just take a taxi to the airport and fly to Bangkok. Within two hours I could be in Bangkok, I could go to Nana Plaza this evening? But well, that's all a little bit a waste of money and belongings. But how could I leave this place? Be rude? Or the Thai way without losing face and just sneaking out of here? I do not know, the only thing I know is that I feel very unhappy here. And it's a little bit stupid, but I'm missing Simuang and Wanna. Should I just tell my boss that I made a huge mistake and that I do not feel at home here and that I want to leave as soon as possible? Maybe I could leave Saturday or Sunday?

In the past week I was able to use a motorbike, so I could escape my golden jail, so I went to Chaweng beach for entertainment. So also here I go to some bars at Soi Green Mango where I meet a girl ‘Sweet’. She works at the Wild

Flower Bar and is 22 years old and very sexy. One night she asks me go to a Karaoke. It seems that she can sing very well. At the last evening, when I go to Green Mango disco with a colleague from the hotel, I give Sweet the laser that I bought in Bangkok. She is so happy like a child and now I can see wherever she is, because wherever she goes you can see the laser light. She will need some new batteries soon. First Sweet told me she lives together with her sister in a room, but when I visit her the last night it seems that she lives there with 4 other people. Three people sleep in the bed; include Sweet, and two on the ground. I feel a little bit out of place here and try to leave fast.

Once back in Bangkok I check in at President Inn Hotel at Soi 11/1. In the afternoon of course I go back to the room of Simuang to see her. She is sleeping in the first room on a couch and she does not notice me at all. I kiss her but she takes no interest in me and just wants to sleep again. It's a little bit disappointing for me that she is not happy to see me. Should this have been a warning for me? In that case it seems that I did not want to understand the warnings.

Three days later I'm at McDonald’s at Ploenchit Center, Sukhumvit road, Bangkok. In the past days I learned that Simuang does not want to see me anymore. She totally ignores me when I'm at her work. Shit it happened again, I'm trapped by a Thai bargirl and her beautiful smile and now she broke my heart. The bullshit stories about why she does not want to see me anymore are starting. The first one is that her real love Nicco from (she has got a tattoo with the name Nicco) is back in Bangkok and that she lives with him now. At that moment I even thought I saw a special twinkle in her eyes when she talked about Nicco. Later, when I find out that it's a bullshit story, I also find out that she cannot lie and look me in the eyes. She is not tough enough to do that. Not yet at least. I'm afraid how she will be when I would meet her in another 6 months. I sit in G-Spot and one of her friends tells me about Simuang and at that moment I cannot control myself and cry a little bit. Her friend does see my tears and wants to comfort me.

I leave G-Spot and Nana Plaza and walk to the Golden Beer Bar where Wanna looks to me and asks, "What is wrong with you? What happened?" I can not tell her, but ask her to come with me. I pay bar fine and we leave. In my hotel room I really start crying and tell Wanna all about Simuang. Now I think how hard it must have been for her to hear my story because I think Wanna really does see me as a little bit more than just a customer. Wanna talks with me and she takes care of me, just like she takes care of everybody. She tells me "You do not love , you love Thai lady. is not always easy and nice. You have everything, why don't you go back to Holland? I have nothing. Who wants a 26 years old girl with a daughter? I have to take care of my mamma, papa and my 6 year old daughter. What can I do? Sometimes I do not like, sometimes I cry because I like customer too much. They say to me, "I love you; I want to take care of you." But they also have to love my daughter, mamma and papa. Then I never see them again". Holy shit, I thought I had a tough life and she is comforting me.  I wish I could give her a better life. She has told me once that she makes about 40,000 baht (a month), of which she spends 30,000 on the lives of her family and child. But for that money she has to work hard and do things she does not like.

The next day after dinner I went to Nana Plaza and I had a little chat with Simuang who was sitting at the short-time hotel in Nana Plaza. Now the second story comes alive. She does not want to see me anymore because she thinks of my wife and that I have to take care of her. She even really asks me, "Do you take care of your wife?" And she does not like me anymore, she like money more. She does not want to go long-time anymore, only short-time. And she wants to do that now, because she needs the money. For only 500thb she will make a short-time with me. As I simply do not have 500thb with me I say no. Then she asks me for money to buy food and after a little chatting I give her 200 baht. She is happy with it and says to me, "Thank you very, very, very much" with a beautiful smile on her face. Yes, that's the Simuang I wanted to see. I also give her a letter with my thoughts about her and me. I hope she will read it. Was it all about money? This cannot be true. Yes, I did give her some money, but not much. Yes, I did pay her bar fine many times. I realize now that she has not to work in the week, so the bar fines in the week could be her money. But even if this is true, then she did not make much money with me. And she took me into her life like I think no other farang has been, at least not in the room where Simuang lives. Shit I have never realized feelings could hurt that much. What shall I do the next 3 weeks in ? Traveling? Working? Or just go back to Holland?

I realize that I would like to take care for Simuang like she is a child. I'm afraid Freud made a mistake, or did I make a mistake? Shit, I would like to talk about this to her. But if she could understand all my English, would she understand what I mean? And that's exactly why I feel pity for her. I would like to show her that there is more in the world than Nana Plaza. I know she is not stupid, just too lazy to use her brains. Hey, I heard that before. When I was in high school my teachers always said that to me. Life sucks and it is not even pleasant. But luckily on the road of loneliness there is always a Go-Go bar. Today I made a telephone call to Wanna to tell her that I was safe in Sukhothai because there are no Go-Go bars. But it's fucking stupid, I'm still hoping for a "reunion" with Simuang. I think the first thing I will do when I'm back in Holland is go to a PhotoShop to make re-prints of the entire photos I did give to her. Is that stupid? Yes, but also very exciting.

Would I learn to forget Simuang? I'm starting to believe that the real problem is that due to our culture differences I do not understand her. I know Wanna and Sweet are bargirls, and until now they did not cross the line between customer and friend. But Simuang did give me the feeling that I was a kind of friend. I realized that she was playing with me, but I liked the game. And now Simuang tells me she does not like me anymore. Is it so easy for her to say first, "I like you" and then, "I do not like you"? Just like a light switch on and off? Hey, I'm no fucking light switch! At this moment I would just like to chat with her, but I know when I see her I not only want to chat with her. Why do I want her to like me or maybe even love me?

In the past week I have been on holiday in the north, but my sickness changed all my plans again and I went back by airplane to Bangkok and checked in at DI Mansion at Soi Nana. This is a strange hotel, there are only two farangs staying here. Me, and an old man who is dressed like batman, and who has totally lost the plot. All the other guests are Thai girls. It's funny to hear all their talking with their friends and customers. There are always two girls sitting in the lobby, and they always call me ‘darling’. One these girls comes from Suratthani, she is very beautiful and young. Her name is Lila, which I did not know at that moment but would learn later. The receptionist is putting on make-up on Lila.

Last night I was sitting alone at the Golden Beer Bar, it was 3:00 o'clock in the morning and I was not so happy. Some friends of Simuang are passing by and ask me to go with them. They want to make me happy. But that night Simuang did teach me again some hard lessons of life. She had a customer and they went to Angels Disco where I also was with the friends of Simuang. She is all over her customer and I see her doing things she would have never done with me. Or did she? Yes, in the beginning she did. But then I was a real customer. But what irritated me the most is that she is totally ignoring me. How can you totally ignore someone who has been so close to you? Does she hate me? There are things I can not understand, and sure at that moment I could not accept.  So I learned to understand something that I could never imagine that I would like to do it: If I had my gun with me at that evening I would have been ready to use it. The only question would be. Who would I kill? Simuang? No why should I kill the one I like, the customer? No, why should I kill just an innocent bystander, myself? No, there are too many people who would miss me. So it leaves only to kill nobody. But there was so much anger in me that I needed to get free of it, and shooting someone would help I think. The only other way is talking, but Wanna is with a customer in Nana Hotel, so I go to my hotel and try to sleep.

Simuang, you dared me to cross the line from customer to friend and I went for it. You did give me a very happy time; you showed me a world that I could not imagine. I'm grateful for all of this. Now I should be able to forget you, but I can not. Just like Bee, another Thai girl who I met long time ago. But I wonder Simuang, how can you be so friendly first and then be so unfriendly, almost hateful? Did I do something wrong? You invited me into your life and now you're shutting me out. Now I understand that your heart is with Nicco, but I wonder do you still have a heart. Or did you lose your heart in the struggle for money?

At the Dutch-Thai Internet club we are having a discussion about treating these girls with respect. Someone said, "There is nothing you can do about the situation of these girls, the only thing we can do is treat them with respect." But then again does that it makes you any better than all the other guys? Isn't it an easy excuse for yourself feeling you are better as those "studied people who are just following their dick"? Well, as I think of it now, Simuang has never heard of respect, in her education something has gone wrong. And I have the strange feeling that I want to help her. Why? Just for my own feelings or do I really want to help her? Or am I also jealous and do I just want to…Maybe I just feel myself abused, maybe just like Simuang is feeling every day.

Respect. All men in a Go-Go bar are having only one intention, to make some fun with those girls. We can make it all better and more beautiful then reality, but in the end we are also just abusing the misery or the lack of education of someone else. But what the hell about Wanna? She is not stupid, and is it looks to me she has no real life well treated situation. Then why is she doing this work? Shit, I can not find any answers. I suppose it just has to be this way. Writing this in my hotel I suddenly know what the girls in this hotel are doing; escort-girls for short time. The whole day they are sitting here in the lobby being beautiful and sometimes they are suddenly gone for a few hours.

In the evening I went to the Golden Beer Bar and had a chat with Wanna. There was a free dinner buffet for the guests of the bar. Very good Chinese and Thai food. Later I had a chat with Joy about, of course, Simuang. When I told Joy that it seemed to me that they take care of each other very good she just smiled but did not give an answer. She told me that she had a "room" for herself and that she likes that very much. I believe I missed a lot.

When I was at the Golden Beer Bar talking with Wanna she introduced me to her younger sister. She will start working in G-Spot because the family needs money. Today Wanna will bring her younger sister to a Go-Go bar, how can she do this? I ask her about it and for the first time I see she has no direct answer, thinks, and I think it's difficult for her to say "I not think about it, I do not know if I do wrong". Then she tells me she thinks she is a bad girl because this is not the first time that she brought someone to this place. Later in the evening she brings her sister to G-Spot and her sister will sit a while in G-Spot to look over the work there. Wanna comes back to the bar and she hears from someone else that her mother is in Bangkok. Now she really looks worried, she does not like that. It's the first time her mother is in Bangkok. After a few hours she asks me to go to G-Spot to ask her sister to come to the bar. I like to do this as this is for me a great opportunity to walk in G-Spot and just pass by Simuang without talking to her. When I walk into G-Spot towards Wanna's sister, she is shocked, as she does not recognize me. A farang is walking to her and he is talking English to her! When some other girls come to help her she understands and we walk together to the Golden Beer Bar. And yes when I walked in I passed Simuang and I did not even really look at her.

The next day of course again I end up at Soi Nana. I have a little chat with Wanna. She asks me to have a drink with her sister in G-Spot. But when I arrive there I do not see her sister, but one of the friends of Simuang starts talking with me and she asks Simuang to sit with us. Simuang now for the first time is saying something that at least is true "I understand you, but you do not understand me". The first thing is not sure, but indeed I do not understand any shit of this girl. She asks me for 600baht and then tomorrow she will go with me after her work. Next to us are 3 English men sitting and one of these guys is very interested in her. She asks me to sit somewhere else so she can work. Much later I heard that she could not work with customer when I was looking at her. Yeah, would she have something like feelings and a heart? I give her some money and she shows some gratitude to me and tells me she is not lying to me. Well I heard that before so I do not expect anything of her anymore.

I have breakfast in my hotel again, at least as the guy behind the reception is going to move. In the afternoon I go shopping with Wanna in WTC and BigC. Wanna buys a beautiful dress and asks me to choose the color. Of course I like the light color on her dark skin. And she also buys a bag, which I find for her. In BigC she buys a ventilator for her mother she tells me. Later I realize that it was not for her mother but for her sister. In the evening I make an appointment with Dre, a Dutch man living in Bangkok for already 25 years. And again I have a drink at the Golden Beer Bar with Wanna. She is drinking with a customer from 2 days ago and she will go with him tonight. So she asks me to bring her home-keys to her sister at G-Spot. So I end up in G-Spot again where I have little chat with Simuang who asks me for 200bath for a new string. She tells me, "When I wear my new string I will think of you." I say, "Yeah, you forget me when I walk out off the door." But I give her the 200bath and again she shows me gratitude and makes a little jump in the air.

Late in the night I go to Angels Disco where Wanna also is with her customer. I dance with some girls. When the police are coming in at 3:30 to close the joint one of the girls is walking with me and asks me if she can go with me. I look, think, and say "No". When I walk back to the hotel it starts raining and I walk back with another girl with who I had been dancing. We talk a little bit and now she is just a nice girl and not working anymore.

Of course today I end up at the Golden Beer Bar again and I have a long talk with a German man called Mathias and an American guy. They both work in Bangkok. Wanna tells me that she will bring her mother back home tomorrow and will stay there for one night. Later she tells me that maybe she will just go one day. I pay her bar fine and she tells me that she first has to arrange things with her sister. I have the feeling that she lying to me, but later in the evening she comes back and is totally surprised that I'm still at the bar. She asks me to go with her and we go and have a drink at Riva.

When I again go to the Golden Beer Bar it surprises me to see Wanna. I thought she would go back home, but she just went one day. Due to this she could not see her daughter, because she was at school. Wanna again asks me to pay her bar fine so she can arrange all kind of things, well why not? I go to Angels Disco and have a great time. I just want to go to my hotel and I see Wanna working in the bar again. That's something I do not like, I pay bar fine and she starts working with other guests. I take some whiskey and I'm not happy anymore. I take a walk on Sukhumvit and end up going to the famous Thermea with 3 girls. Once inside I lose the girls out of sight and I take a big glass of whisky. For the first time I'm really so drunk that I need a wall to keep me standing up. I even cry a little bit. One girl sees me and asks me what's the matter with me. "I have a broken heart and I'm fucking drunk", it's simple. I have a little chat with her, but then some friends of her wants to talk to her so I walk around in this basement.

And then I meet the "girlfriend" of Mathias. He told me he had a totally crazy night with her and that she was really “hot all night”. Well as Na is very drunk she tells me too much about Mathias and her work. She tells me she did not like that night at all and that she is telling bullshit with other customers all the same time. I try to help her to get a customer as there are too many girls and not enough farangs, but the farang do not like her. I think because she is fucking drunk. When she tells me that she has no money for the taxi to go home I tell that she can sleep in my hotel room, but only sleep no fuck and that I do not have any money. So at 5:30 in the morning we walk from Thermae to my hotel at Soi Nana. It's already becoming morning and in front of Nana Plaza there are monks asking for food. This is great; there are two food stalls where you can specially buy food for the monks. Na buys some food for 20bath and she takes of her shoes and kneels for the monks to give them food. I can not believe what I see, in the morning light in the City of Angels. Sexy dressed bargirls come out to offer food to the monks. How I do regret not having a camera with me now. Once in my hotel room Na tells me about how she works and thinks about customers, this gives me some deeper understanding into the lives of Wanna and Simuang. At least I think so… but who knows?

"I do not tell lie; you just want another truth." I changed my flight back home to today to surprise my wife with an earlier home-coming. So I went to the Golden Beer Bar to pay bar fine for Wanna so she could bring me to the airport. I told her that I first would like to say goodbye to some people at Nana Plaza. When I walk to my hotel I'm passing a beer garden where a friend of mine is sitting. A have a chat with him and when I leave the two girls at the entrance start to talk and joke with me. When I later walk to McDonald’s to go eating they just finished working and ask me if I would like to invite them to eat with me at McDonald’s. Yes, why not? So I have dinner at McDonald's with Pook and Down. Pook is 20 years old and comes from the Isan; Down is 19 years old and is Bangkokian. Down is very beautiful and looks very young. At McDonald’s they ask me what I will do tonight. I tell that my airplane will leave at 2:00 in the night and that I want to go to Nana Plaza to say goodbye to some people. Then they ask me if I would like to go to a Thai bar at Ekmai with them. Yes, I like that. So I make an appointment with them to go there. Shit I made to many appointments in one evening!

So I go to Voodoo, Carousel, G-Spot, Beverly Hills and Hollywood to say bye to all girls I have met. It's quite nice to experience that some girls leave their customer or jump off the dance floor to say goodbye to me. Then I meet the girls from the beer garden again and we take a taxi to Ekmai. We enter a real Thai country bar with a live rock band. They play Thai music and I'm the only farang in this bar. Quite difficult because nobody speaks good English, including Pook and Down. We "talk" a little bit and have some drink and food. At 10:45 I leave the bar and give the girls some money to take a taxi home. The taxi is not taking the easy way home and there is a traffic jam. So at 23:30 I arrive at the Golden Beer Bar where Wanna would be waiting for me. But when I arrive there Wanna has gone and one of her friends tells me that she left with another farang. That makes me very angry and the girl is laughing. I pay the fucking bar fine and she goes with another customer. When I call her from my hotel she tells that she went home because she thought I would not come anymore. I do not believe this and tell her I can pick her up at her room. Then she tells me she is with customer and working. She says "I'm bad girl; I will give you your money back." I tell her that this is not about the money but about my feelings. She is doing the same as Simuang. Why? Is she jealous that I went with the two other girls and to Nana Plaza? Is it self-defense or just bullshit?  I tell her "mai pen rai", it does not matter I forgive you because I like you very much. But she understands "forget" instead of "forgive" and asks me "You forget me?" Hell, no Wanna how could I ever forget you?

Within two hours my flight will leave so I have to hurry. I take my taxi and I'm on my way to the airport. I have never felt so sad and alone. I'm so sad that I can not even cry. On the highway there has been an accident so I'm in a traffic jam again. But it does not interest me at all. Then I start to think of "missing" my flight and have the chance to see Wanna again. At 00:30 I arrive at terminal 2 and walk in silence to the in-check row. Standing in line to check-in I decided not to check-in but to miss my flight and change it to the next day. I walk to one of the girls at the desk and ask her to change my flight. In 10 minutes I walk outside terminal 2 again and I take a taxi back to Sukhumvit. At 1:30 I check in at my hotel again and go to my room to take a shower. As I can not sleep at all I get dressed up again and go to Soi Nana. I do not look to the Golden Beer bar but walk straight to Nana Plaza. It's 2:30 and some go-go bars are closed already, just like G-Spot. I meet a friend of Simuang and she tells me that Simuang is not working today. I walk a little bit around in Nana Plaza and watch how life is going by. I sit outside and another friend of Simuang walks by and talks to me. I tell her I would like to give a present to Simuang, she tells me she will get her. She comes back and tells me to come upstairs, where Simuang stands in the door opening. Naked with only a towel around her middle and what a big surprise she is wearing glasses. I have a laugh and say, "Hey, you never told me." and she says, "Yes, just like you." I tell her it feels good to say goodbye to her this way and give her some money. Now she is totally surprised and she says "Why you give me?"

"Because I like you," is the only thing I can say at that moment, "Simuang, do you not understand?"

I take a sit outside Nana Plaza and watch all the girls going "home". I'm not the only falang; a lot of farangs wait here to pick up a girl without having to pay a bar fine. In front me there is a nice, very little girl with another girl. A very big, blond farang is trying to get her attention and wants to take her to his hotel, but she does not want him. I look to her and smile and say, "What can you do, it's up to you?" She walks to me and puts her arm around me and says, "I like you." The other farang now understands and leaves the scene. She looks to me with those big brown eyes as she would like to say, "I like you, you like me?" Hell yes I like you, but I do not have money. As she wants to say, "No problem, let's go," she takes my hand and we walk away from Nana Plaza. So we walk to my hotel and stay there until 4:00 o'clock in the afternoon, as I have to leave the hotel at 5 o'clock. She is very shy and I tell her I put out the light and close my eyes and that she can just go to sleep in the other bed. But after an hour she puts on the light and asks me if I sleep. "No, now not anymore." Well, asking me, she not really asks me, because she does not speak English at all. Now she starts talking in Thai to me, and looks to me with her big brown eyes like she is totally in love with me.

The next day …

When I wake up, with a totally strange Thai girl in the other bed, it's already 11:00 o'clock in the morning so I can not have breakfast anymore. I leave the room to get breakfast outside, and leave the girl in my room. When I come back after one hour and have breakfast in the room she has not missed me at all. As I have to travel tonight I take a long sleep today until 3:30 o'clock and then wake up the girl. She does not want to leave and wants to stay with me. When I ask her where she is working she tells me, "Hollywood." I believe she is 19 years old. When we leave the hotel I give her some money for the taxi and she says to me, "See tomorrow", I try to tell her that tomorrow I will be in my own country, but she does not understand. She leaves in the taxi and I walk to the motor taxis to take a taxi to the place where Wanna should be living. It's very close to the hotel, but it seems that it's quite hard to find the address. The driver makes a lot effort and finally we find it. It's somewhere far behind all the nice buildings, a soi of a soi of a soi. Little wooden houses in a street where only motorbikes can come and the house numbers are gone. We ask around and find someone who knows where Wanna lives. He brings me to her house and the motor driver will wait for me. Here I'm the only farang and the only rich one. Wanna is not home but her sister is and she recognizes me. But she does not speak English and actually nobody does speak English out there. Finally they find someone who talks English and she translates what the sister of Wanna tells me. Wanna is on holiday. With a smile on my face I tell her that I believe a lot of things but not that Wanna is on holiday. I say, "Kip keen kip" and take the motorbike back to my hotel. When I arrive at my hotel I have never been so sad.

In the evening I want to go to Hollywood to meet the girl from last night, but I do not want Wanna to see me. So I walk in Nana Plaza very fast and walk to Hollywood, but the girl has not started to work yet, it's 20:15. I walk by G-Spot and someone at the door tells me Simuang is dancing, I tell her to say goodbye to Simuang and I buy some last Thai food next to “G-Spot” to eat it in the airplane. As I have to go to my hotel, but do not want to pass the Golden Beer bar, I walk through Nana hotel and take the backdoor entrance of Angels Disco to get on the street again. When I pass the “Bus Stop” the two girls are working there again and I say goodbye to them again. Later in the evening I pass the “Golden Beer Bar” and Wanna is sitting all alone in her beautiful dress that I had bought for her. First I just look at her and nod my head, and then I walk back and sit next to her. She does not look me in the eyes anymore and she does not look happy. I take her hand and tell her I have no hard feelings for her and that she can keep the money, "I think you can use it better than I do." I kiss her and say goodbye and go to my hotel to check out and leave for the airport.

"In the airplane I feel very alone and watch my beloved fading away in all the little lights of Bangkok. Is there an emergency brake in this airplane?" But where is home? Being in Holland I wonder what is "home", Thailand or Holland. I arrive quite early at the airport in Bangkok so I walk a little bit around. I even make a telephone call to Wanna but when she answers I do not know what to say and I hang up. As I want to be alone I go to top floor of terminal 2 and sit in a corner far away from all the people. When I walk through the departure hall I see people who are happy to go back home. I wish I could be that happy now. But I'm not, why?  Finally I check-in and go through customs. Here I leave , all alone, nobody to say goodbye to me. But will it be goodbye?

While waiting before boarding I see a few Thai girls who will also board on the direct non-stop flight to Amsterdam. When I walk inside the plane to my seat number I pass one and I think, "Yes, that same lovely smile!" In the airplane I can not help overhearing the conversation of Dutch tourists. They are talking about the food, hotels, and all kind of things in . Jeez, why ever did they go to ? In the airplane I feel very alone and watch my beloved Thailand fading away in all the little lights of Bangkok. Is there an emergency brake in this thing?

When I arrive at Schiphol the sun is shinning and it's quite warm. I leave the airplane together with the two Thai girls and for the last time I see again the great Thai smile. It seems that they have a connecting flight to another place in Europe and that they do not have a clue where they are and what to do. One of the girls asks me, "Do you know me?" I say, "Maybe I saw you on Sukhumvit". She said, "Yes, maybe." Shit how small is the world? After I brought them to the transit-counter and helped them with what to do next I say goodbye to these Thai girls and go to get my luggage. As I am the last to pickup my luggage it's quite easy to find. When I pass the customs of course I am a man alone and picked out to be checked. I tell the customs that I think this is bullshit. And that if I would like to smuggle coke I would take my wife with me, because then they never check us. As only my sister knows that I will arrive today there is nobody to pick me up from the airport, so I will take the train to Rotterdam. First I make a telephone call to my sister to tell her I arrived and will take the train, so she can pick me up at the railway station in Rotterdam.

On the train I'm passing the typical Dutch countryside with windmills, lakes, cows and little villages.

I look at it, but I only see Sukhumvit.

-Chang Noi-